Tuesday, 8 July 2014

24 and There's So Much More

I saw a facebook post recently from a friend who had just graduated from high school. She said that she had just finished her very last class on her very last day of school ever! It was very exciting, as you can imagine. And people were very excited for her - most of the comments posted congratulated her on the completion of an era, on getting to start in the real world, on closing the beginning chapter of her life and starting off on a brand new journey.

I was struck by a wave of jealousy - the kind of jealousy I usually reserve for when I read about people's numerous auditions and callbacks, and the ever-cryptic "got some great news..." posts while I'm in a dry spell. I just wanted to go back and graduate high school all over again myself! Only this time, I'd be more aware of the launching off into my adult life - and that it would be the last clean break into something new that I'd feel, at least, for a very long time.

I realized that I have been desperately seeking a fresh start - I talk about it enough - and that I needed to wait until I felt a specific shift, felt the tectonic plates that run under my skin finally release their push against each other, and then I'd know just to follow the path of the plate that rose above. The problem with that, is that I don't get to graduate high school again. I'm already an adult. I'm here, I'm in it right now. There aren't plotted out 'phase lines', where you know that when you've reached a certain point, you get to change.

I have a hard time with change. Enough has happened in the last few years that would cause some considerable change in a person, but because I haven't figured out how to be in the journey, I feel like there hasn't been enough of an obvious inciting incident to allow the adjustment in personality to seem natural, and not contrived. You know how Veronica Mars was very sweet and innocent and naive before she found her best friend murdered (spoiler alert...oops)? Well, that was enough for everyone to accept that she would forever after be snarky and persnickety. Because, as you know, it only counts what other people think!

Or...maybe not. I am going to drive myself NUTS and never get anything done if I keep waiting for my big drastic change to hit me, if I don't allow myself to accept the gradual changes in how I see the world and how I feel about things as being gradual, if I worry about keeping everyone else comfortable with who I'm growing into. You think being a teenager? Try turning 24. Oh boy. I still have no idea, I'm still not sure who I am and I still get weird chin zits at the worst time ever, plus, I can't even manage to keep a regular blog (see what I did there??) - the only difference now, is that I expect to have it all figured out.

Well, I'm here to let you know that I'm officially becoming a part of my own journey. That glacially moving thing called my life* that is weird and messy and great and confusing and should never involve Half-Baked Ben and Jerry's. I'm open and ready to accept what's thrown at me and to make the best of it, but I'm no longer going to sit around and wait for the "big bang" of my adulthood. I can be productive and present and kinder to myself. Take a picture guys, you're all witnessing me shake a hand, take a diploma and walk the stage into the beginning of my life.