When you're an artist trying to turn your art into a career that may one day pay the bills, you've probably found yourself in a number of ruts...from the "feeling like a sell-out" phase where, in the actor's version, you only go out for commercials because they bring in the dollars, to the "so completely involved in everything acting and furthering yourself that you've completely abandoned all other facets of your life" phase.
...I am in the latter.
I literally had to stop for a moment, take a breath, and realize that every single move I made of late was centered around my career and getting myself ahead. Every time I went to the gym it was to get in shape for pilot season; every feeling or experience in my personal life was to be exploited for emotional depth in scenes; even every Tweet I "Tweeted" was in the hopes of acquiring more followers for...well, I'm not even sure what for.
It is so incredibly artistically unsatisfying, and just downright depressing, when you start to lose the joy in the one thing that you love so dearly, that has previously brought you so much fulfilment and that you know have to do otherwise a part of you will shrivel up and die! And you hear it all the time - all of those people you went to acting school with who are now dentists or accountants, because they lost the love of acting when it turned into a "job".
What I've discovered recently, is that I need to find some sort of outlet, or other hobby or interest, that I can put time into thinking about. You know, create goals that have nothing to do with my career as an actor. It dawned on me that everything doesn't need to happen right now, and the "right time to do ____" is never going to appear in my calendar...I just need to allow myself to explore. Maybe I want to move to Spain for a little while, or write a book or go to pastry school...and I should do all of those things! Or I should at least allow myself to open up room in my life for those things in case the opportunity to try them pops up.
I will always have the desire to act, and I think I will always be good at it...and there will always be parts there for me. Maybe that part is waiting for me next week, and maybe it's in 5 years after I've lived a little. The point is, I'm just trying to allow myself some freedom to love other aspects of life just as much as I love acting...before I stop loving acting.
I bought a giant Moleskin notebook (I'm a little addicted to these) with the notion in mind to turn it into a little guide for creating an acting career in Vancouver; a few notes on what I've learned about each casting director, staying on top of what's shooting locally, that sort of thing. But then I thought, maybe I'll turn it into a research notebook on Spain and all of the places I want to travel to, a place to organise my thoughts for an upcoming getaway. I then decided that no, it should be all about learning to write novels...that would be the best use of it.
Needless to say, the Moleskin remains empty. It's a pretty big reflection on where my life stands right now...there are so many things I want to accomplish and so many different hats I'm waiting to try on, but I'm far to anal to just let things happen as they happen, so I'm stuck. It's going to be a pretty big journey, but this Moleskin is going to become an amalgamation of all of these things. Because all of these things make me who I am, and not one at a time in a clean line, but all at once and all over the place. It'll be my Adventure Book...and at this time, I'd like to thank Pixar, for once again, inspiring my adult-life choices.